i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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