Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
