when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
