I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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