You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
