I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
