I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
