i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
