is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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