I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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