someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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