If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
