im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
