Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Soap is not a condiment
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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