I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
