first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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