I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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