Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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