just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize