the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
