i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
