I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
