I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
