Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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