So drunk its hurt
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
