I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
