I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
