youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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