He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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