so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
