I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
