i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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