I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
