I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
