I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
