she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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