I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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