Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
