It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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