I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
