Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
