I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
