I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
