how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
