Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
