Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
