I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
