someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
