I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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