my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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