i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
