I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
