Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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