I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
