SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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