I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
