Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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