if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
