In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
