someone threw a dead crab at me
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
