Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We just shotgunned beers for America
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
