i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
