I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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