well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?