There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
